Cabbies, Cars, US Living, Overnight Bags

What do cab drivers talk to their friends about all day? They literally spend an entire day on the phone, what are they talking about? And on that subject, what kind of cell phone plan do these guys have that they can talk so much?

The common misconception is that cab drivers, who are speaking some foreign language, are actually calling that country. Even if its 4am, your driver will be on the phone, and you assume he's talking to someone w/a 12 hour time difference. You're wrong. If you want to know who he's talking to, look left, look right. He's talking to other cab drivers. They don't want to talk to their wives at home, their wives in another hemisphere, or anyone else. They want to talk to each other. I asked one cabbie who he was talking to, and he said "What? I drive cab, you sit in back seat, what you care who I talk to." So, I told him I was just curious what language he was speaking, and he said "English, my English is fine enough to drive a cab, I know where I'm going." Ok, so that experiment backfired, but I'm pretty sure, for $49.99, he can talk to all the other Verizon cabbies all day and night long. They're talking about the hot chicks they just picked up who are making out in the back seat, they are talking about the strip club they are going to meet at 6am when their shift is over. Be sure, they are talking to each other.

Why can't everyone whistle?

Your tongue might be shaped incorrectly, like you need to be able to arch it. I found this exchange which was pretty funny.

Would you say the Duke players are guilty or innocent in the press?

I think they're already innocent in the press...w/everyone talking about how the DA needed to do this b/c of the election, and no DNA, and they have an alibi. Sounds like they're already free. I mean, everyone is upset at how much these boys are being ridiculed, but she did have splinters from a broom inside of her. Isn't it something like 98% of the time someone alleges that a rape took place one actually did? Like, no one ever lies about being raped. Maybe it wasn't those 2 kids...but it prob did happen, and they prob won't find out who.

So I am curious about this getting hit by a truck and jogging it off. I haven’t heard the story and keep meaning to ask since I see it every time I read your blog. What is this?

I was getting out of my friends SUV, and put my foot under the car to push off..and he started going, the open door hit me in the back of my thy, and the car rolled up and over my ankle...and I'm standing in the middle of the st b/c I was going to cross so I just jogged across the street. Where 2 of my friends were standing...pale, white, in shock....and they're like "are you ok, that truck just ran over your leg?" and I'm like "yea, I think so." it was pretty bruised, both on the thy and esp my ankle, but I didn't miss a practice.

So my roomie went on another date tonight and her boy brought a bag of clothes up to our apt. when he came to pick her up... they've been on a couple dates and he's stayed over before (and gone straight into work the next morning) and made a specific comment about not wanting to be presumptuous by bringing a change of clothes. my roommate, being the sarcastic type, made a comment tonight about how he was being optimistic by bringing the clothes. do you think he was being presumptuous or pragmatic? is there an appropriate timeline for packing up an overnight bag?

First of all, he's an idiot. Any experienced guy knows that you just leave the change of clothes at work. You change when you get there. You can shower and put on your dirty clothes for 20 min in the morning and then change when you get to work. There's no point in ruining your karma or looking like an ass. Did he put his condoms in her night stand before dinner, too? Oh, and he was being presumptuous because I don't know what pragmatic means.

How many people actually send you emails?

I get one everyday or every other day.

Guest Answerer: Once again, the much smarter NeighborhoodBird, will answer a few questions that I have no place answering. One, b/c I don't have a clue, and the 2nd b/c I'm not a girl and don't live in a city with cars.

What's the best place in the US to live? Why?

Dear reader, You failed to mention if you were a guy or a girl. But it doesn't matter, since readers to Ask Ben are of both genders (and I'm sure some are of that elusive "third gender", or are just really, really confused.) With that in mind, the best place to live depends on what you keep inside your pants. Here's how it breaks down:

Best Place for Women: Alaska, duh! You thought I'd say California? Ladies, let me ask you something. Would you rather live in a place where your competition consisted of size 0 glamazon model-types with full, lush lips and full, lush breasts, who cooed at every stupid thing your bohunk boyfriend said, oozing sex appeal at every turn, flaunting and fawning and basically using those fleeting years of youth to get as much money and power out of men that they could? Or would you rather live in a place where you get to wear your "cozy sweater" year-round, and the chances that you meet a strapping, rugged, bodice-ripping lumberjack/fisherman were pretty much guaranteed. Seriously now. Those guys up there have got it going ON. One, they have to be rugged. Why? It's ALASKA! There are bears up there, and bears attack and eat people. Would you prefer a wimpy gym rat who thinks that "protecting his woman" means buying her a padded bra? Hell, no. You want a man that thinks "protecting his woman" means "ripping out a Grizzly bear's jugular vein with my bare, masculine hands." Oh, those hands. I get the trembles. And it's always cold at night, so you KNOW he's going to want to cuddle after sex. If you can put up with not seeing the sun for 6 months, then Alaska is the place for the ladies.

Best Place for Men: Men, let me ask you something. Do you make money? Even a little bit? You don't? If you don't, that's OK. Can you do enough situps to give your manly frame some small semblance of fitness? Maybe? Good. Work with me here. Wait, you tell me you have no money, and you aren't in shape? That's alright. Change your last name to "Weinstein". Or "Pitt". Why? Because the best place for you is California. See above for reasons why. And don't worry; that smart, sensitive, artful chick is busy moving to some igloo in Juneau. You are pretty much guaranteed a pliant, nubile voluptubabe to get it on with until she gets too old, or starts actually talking and having ideas, and then you dump her for a newer model. California is the place you oughta be, so load up yer trucks, and move to Beverly. Hills that is.

What's kind of car would help you get the most chicks?

My answer above is pretty much a throw-away, and I answered it with humor, but this one I'm going to take seriously. And there's a really good reason why I'm going to set my sense of humor aside for now, and really be honest for a minute.

Guys, don't fool yourselves. A car - no matter what kind - is not going to get you a lot of chicks. Oh, sure, you may find some bimbo who likes that Ferrari, but most of us females automatically think "He is compensating for something", that something being a small penis. So go ahead, buy a Ferrari - we're going to think you have a small penis. And that, in the long run, is not the route you want to take when scoring chicks.

So no Ferrari. Maybe you are considering a Hummer, or an Excursion, or some giant Ford F-350 Superduperdieselextendedcabhuzzah thing. "It will make me look rugged, and manly, and if she sees how much money I'm spending on gas, she'll think I have a lot of money, and want to have sex with me." If you think this, then again, you are wrong. When us women see a guy in an oversized vehicle, again, the first thing we think is "He is compensating for something." Do I have to repeat what that something is? I'll repeat it: you have a small penis. And trust me - you'd rather have a girl think "Lame car" than "Small penis." We'll also think you are wasteful and foolish for throwing away $100 every two weeks on gasoline. Dumbass. Don't do that.

So no giant vehicle either. Maybe if you get a Hybrid, she'll think you're "sensitive", and "eco-conscious", and "in touch with her feminine feelings". And I have to say, you'd be close. But there is a fine line. Are you getting the Hybrid because you actually care about the environment, or because you want to get laid? Because if any girl is impressed with your Hybrid, just because it's a freakin HYBRID, then you better be prepared to walk the full walk. Keep some granola in your glove compartment. Grow your hair long. Stop wearing deodorant. Stop bathing. Eventually, though, that hot hippie chick you're trying to nail is going to just realize you're a smelly poseur and pretentious to boot, and that's almost worse than being thought of as having a small penis. Almost."

So, guest answerer to the Ask Ben column, what car DO I buy to score with chicks?" And my answer is...it really doesn't matter. You shouldn't even think about it. Ultimately, the ability you have to get girls has very little to do with the car you drive. Forget the TV shows and glossy magazines and rap videos that show some big pimp surrounded by booty-shakin voluptubabes grinding their asses in slow-motion on some Mercedes Benz. It doesn't happen like that in real life. Seriously, how many times have you seen an expensive car on the road? Were there booty girls grinding it? Probably not. It was probably stuck in the same traffic as you, going the same 7 miles an hour, listening to the same stupid radio station. And that guy in that expensive car probably has a smaller penis than you.

So don't buy any car on its perceived "chick factor", no matter what the slick salesman or the music video tells you. The number-one way to get the most chicks is to have a large penis. And I gotta tell you, in my life, I never was disappointed with a guy who drove a used, modest, unwashed, trash-in-the-backseat four-door sedan. That guy is thinking ahead. He's got nothing to prove, nothing to hide, and he knows how fun it is to kick all that backseat trash to the front to make room for...er, more people. Good luck.

Ben: Lets count the "New Califonia" words that the Bird knows that I've never heard of. I wonder if they will ever make it to New York. Superduperdieselextendedcabhuzzah, voluptubabes, voluptubabe, bohunk, glamazon, bodice-ripping.

Whistling, Exes Birthdays and Heights,

I have an askbens for you.... What do you think of whistlers (people who whistle)? I am sitting at my computer trying to bang out a ten page paper and I can hear one of my neighbors whistling and it is driving me crazy! I think maybe only cute little old janitors should be allowed to whistle!

There are 11 places you should whistle and 6 where all whistling activities should be illegal. I hope this list does not bother you, but #9 is in your own apartment.

The places where whistling should be embraced and celebrated:

1. While walking in the park
2. During a sporting event, while playing or while watching
3. While cleaning (per your janitor comment)
4. If you’ve had over 7 beers, and its still daylight, and a cute girl/guy walks by.
5. In the car, while alone, if that’s your thing
6. While walking on the street with out an Ipod and a homeless person / comedian / someone trying to sell you something walks up to you.
7. When you boss is talking to you and telling you something that he has already told you at least 4 times
8. When a girlfriend is talking to you and telling you something that he/she has already told you at least 4 times
9. In your own apartment (as long as the first * below does not apply)
10. On the toilet, sitting only
11. When 2 or more people are having a loud verbal argument within 4 feet of you and you can’t get away (like on a subway car), whistle away.

Places where and times when it should be illegal to whistle:

1. During sexual activity
2. During a TV show
3. During a meal, any meal
4. Before 5 pm the day after a hard night of drinking
5. The library, computer lab, or at work (except for #7 above)
6. When standing at a urinal…so annoying

2 more things:

• Whistling courtesy rules state that if someone asks you to stop whistling, you must stop, no questions asked. It’s a privilege
• If you can’t whistle, and you tell someone you can’t whistle, and they ignore it or act like they don’t care, don’t say it again. They heard you, but they are ignoring you or just don’t care. (it also means you are a bad kisser, so just don’t tell anyone OK!?!?)

Have you ever been hurt?

No, I feel pain sometimes, but for some reason I don’t’ think it’s the same way as everyone else. As most of you know, a SUV ran over my leg sophomore year and I kinda just jogged it off, and didn’t miss a practice. I don’t think I’ve ever cried from physical pain, or anything like that. (though these girls tried to pull all my hair out last week, that kinda hurt)

Do you think a guy should have say in whether or not the girl has an abortion? if you got a girl pregnant would you want her to tell you she got an abortion or not tell u she did?

A guy should not have a say, but don’t ask me about responsibilities if she does go through w/it. I’m not even sure I’d want to know. I mean, if it were possible, I bet the girl wouldn’t want to know either. I think I’d want to know, but would hate hearing it.

Why in M&M packs do they always give the most green?

They don’t. This month there’s a special green promotion going around, but normally, there are mostly browns. Check This Out for more information.

I love asking you random shit. What are your views on women changing their names after getting married?

I don't have one. I have a preference, but not my decision. I know I’m not changing mine. It’s kinda like abortion above: I have an opinion, but its not my decision.

Are you afraid of heights?

No, I'm afraid of falling from heights. Some might say it’s a trivial distinction between the two, so let me explain. I’m not scared of chair lifts or airplanes, but I am afraid of looking over the ledge of a 10 story building w/o holding onto something, or jumping off of a 30 foot ledge into water.

I have a question for ask ben. I broke up w/ my boyfriend, and it was not mutual. I have been ignoring emails and away messages directed at me, etc..... his b-day is on Saturday - should I say happy b-day? I don't want to look like a bitch, but I also don't want to open communication b/c I don't want to talk to him. Is it unfair of me to contact him and then ignore him? What would Ben do?

Personally, I’d probably send a voicemail through the Verizon voice mail system. Thus, you don’t to talk to the person and you are not inviting the call back. I got an email from an ex who I liked on my bday, and it was nice, but it had been 9 months already. This doesn’t sound like its been long enough.

I wrote about how to stay broken up HERE, and I addressed the need for a “clean break” but I did not address the birthday issue.

If you do not want to be friends with him in the next 6+ months, here’s the deal:

• What’s the point? You don’t want to talk to him
• You’ll get him excited and thinking about you
• It will cause more problems for you
• It will cause his friends to hate you
• It will cause you some confusion when he starts emailing / calling etc.

Don’t worry about his friends thinking you’re a bitch, they already do! Sorry you guys broke up, but you should find a nice Jewish boy when you move to the city.

Scales, Old boys, Guy Friends, Small Forwards

Which do you believe to be more accurately calibrated: A scale at the gym or a scale at the doctor's office? Just wondering because there was a three pound difference between the gym scale and the doc scale and I need to know which to go by.

I don't care where the scale is, the ones with the moving weights is always more accurate than the ones with the rotating scales. I stood on my gym scale just yesterday, one of the little rotating ones, and it said I weighed 180. I then readjusted my feet a little, and it went up to 185. Curious I was, so re adjusted my feet a little more, and all of a sudden I'm a 190 lb heffer. I then jumped up and down on the scale, each time, it was between 175 and 192. Thus, who cares if there's a 3 lb difference as long as its a real doctors scale, its close enough.


What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

B - Funny B/C my cousin just wrote a song about it - Click to Listen

So I was just thinking today.. why is it that we feels o obligated to get absolutely wasted on our birthdays?

Its not an obligation, its a right of passage. As Americans, we are taught that growing old is something horrible. This A) drives our desire to drink away our sorrows and B) drives our desire combat this myth and have more fun than we've ever had before, thus more drinking.

Why are the tolls on the Hudson river crossings more expensive than the tolls on the east river?

I'm pretty sure the river is bigger on that side. Plus, revenue must go to NY and NJ, while other crossings only go to NY.

How many cals do u think having sex burns?

Wow, I found a great website to help with this question. This site talks about all the variables, positions, noises you make, when you pull out, multiple orgasms, etc, and tells you how much each of those burn.

Why do i talk to you?

I'm tall, goofy, skinny, unathletic and white w/a big nose, no accent and I'm quite entertaining. I'd say even though you're a non jew w/a strong sex drive, somehow virgin Jews turn you on.

Have you ever accidentally text messaged the iconal person in your sexually history nearly two years after you stopped talking? Well...I did on Saturday night...he didn't call or text back so I thought I was safe until he just emailed me...I am freaking out! What do I do??? And damn is this a ask Ben blog or what? ;)

You need to decide if you want to be with this person. Obv the text was an accident. His email was not. Thus, he's interested in engaging you. You need to decide if you want him back in your life and seriously. If you don't, then don't write back, if you do...have fun and use protection.

Why do I feel like you just made everything way more complicated?

You're a girl, you're irrational, you're crazy, you've got no confidence, you have a lot of big questions in your life and you feel like you are stuck in a rut and are not sure where your life is going and are not sure if you'll ever meet that one guy who'll change your world. However, its not complicated. Don't worry. Don't think about what will be. Just do as you want to do and do what you want for yourself, the rest will come. Wow, I should be a psychic.

So you know how said all your friends are girls...Well a lot of mine are guys (and coincidentally living in the city), and I would be happy to introduce you to them if you are still lookingfor friends?

That's nice...but my friends are girls b/c I DON'T LIKE GUYS. I don't understand the point of guys hanging w/guys just like I don't understand the point of Fraternities. I like playing sports with guys, but why would I want to hang w/them all the time when I could hang out with girls? I don't like looking at guys, I don't trust most guys, and I don't respect most guys. I've been living w/my roommate for 2.5 years now and it still took about 8 months before we were really friendly, while when living w/a girl, I'd become best friends w/her in a week. So, thanks for the offer, but they're not really my type.

Guys must have done something really horrible toyou in the past...then again, i used to say (pre-college) that I got along with guys better than girls... so i guess its the same, just reversed.

Not really. I don't understand anyone who like guys, especially to hang out with. If I were on sex in the city, I would totally be Samantha...having fun w/my girls and keeping a few boys on the side for fun. Most are pigs, jerks etc. Girls feel close to guys when they think they've broken down the barriers, but those guys are still assholes. They're still stealing other guys girls, not being honest, not calling, sleeping around and lying. I only know a few guys who are not like this, and they are engaged, married, and or whipped. Good luck finding one.

If I lived closer to you, would you date me?

No

I was talking to my friend about his fantasy basketball team and he's like "I need a small forward" and I was like "why does he have to be small" and he made fun of me.....why?

"Small forward" is a position on the team. Like a pitcher in shortstop in baseball. It has nothing to do w/the size of the guy. A shortstop does not have to be short.

Lets think of some other positions that could be confusing. A halfback is usually the same size as his teammates and a quarterback is not half the size of the half back (don't even ask about a nickleback). A tackle is an offensive players that isn't allowed to tackle, while a defensive lineman actually tries to bust through the line of tackles and make a tackle. Lastly, a tightend always has a bigger ass than most of his wide receivers.