Cabbies, Cars, US Living, Overnight Bags

What do cab drivers talk to their friends about all day? They literally spend an entire day on the phone, what are they talking about? And on that subject, what kind of cell phone plan do these guys have that they can talk so much?

The common misconception is that cab drivers, who are speaking some foreign language, are actually calling that country. Even if its 4am, your driver will be on the phone, and you assume he's talking to someone w/a 12 hour time difference. You're wrong. If you want to know who he's talking to, look left, look right. He's talking to other cab drivers. They don't want to talk to their wives at home, their wives in another hemisphere, or anyone else. They want to talk to each other. I asked one cabbie who he was talking to, and he said "What? I drive cab, you sit in back seat, what you care who I talk to." So, I told him I was just curious what language he was speaking, and he said "English, my English is fine enough to drive a cab, I know where I'm going." Ok, so that experiment backfired, but I'm pretty sure, for $49.99, he can talk to all the other Verizon cabbies all day and night long. They're talking about the hot chicks they just picked up who are making out in the back seat, they are talking about the strip club they are going to meet at 6am when their shift is over. Be sure, they are talking to each other.

Why can't everyone whistle?

Your tongue might be shaped incorrectly, like you need to be able to arch it. I found this exchange which was pretty funny.

Would you say the Duke players are guilty or innocent in the press?

I think they're already innocent in the press...w/everyone talking about how the DA needed to do this b/c of the election, and no DNA, and they have an alibi. Sounds like they're already free. I mean, everyone is upset at how much these boys are being ridiculed, but she did have splinters from a broom inside of her. Isn't it something like 98% of the time someone alleges that a rape took place one actually did? Like, no one ever lies about being raped. Maybe it wasn't those 2 kids...but it prob did happen, and they prob won't find out who.

So I am curious about this getting hit by a truck and jogging it off. I haven’t heard the story and keep meaning to ask since I see it every time I read your blog. What is this?

I was getting out of my friends SUV, and put my foot under the car to push off..and he started going, the open door hit me in the back of my thy, and the car rolled up and over my ankle...and I'm standing in the middle of the st b/c I was going to cross so I just jogged across the street. Where 2 of my friends were standing...pale, white, in shock....and they're like "are you ok, that truck just ran over your leg?" and I'm like "yea, I think so." it was pretty bruised, both on the thy and esp my ankle, but I didn't miss a practice.

So my roomie went on another date tonight and her boy brought a bag of clothes up to our apt. when he came to pick her up... they've been on a couple dates and he's stayed over before (and gone straight into work the next morning) and made a specific comment about not wanting to be presumptuous by bringing a change of clothes. my roommate, being the sarcastic type, made a comment tonight about how he was being optimistic by bringing the clothes. do you think he was being presumptuous or pragmatic? is there an appropriate timeline for packing up an overnight bag?

First of all, he's an idiot. Any experienced guy knows that you just leave the change of clothes at work. You change when you get there. You can shower and put on your dirty clothes for 20 min in the morning and then change when you get to work. There's no point in ruining your karma or looking like an ass. Did he put his condoms in her night stand before dinner, too? Oh, and he was being presumptuous because I don't know what pragmatic means.

How many people actually send you emails?

I get one everyday or every other day.

Guest Answerer: Once again, the much smarter NeighborhoodBird, will answer a few questions that I have no place answering. One, b/c I don't have a clue, and the 2nd b/c I'm not a girl and don't live in a city with cars.

What's the best place in the US to live? Why?

Dear reader, You failed to mention if you were a guy or a girl. But it doesn't matter, since readers to Ask Ben are of both genders (and I'm sure some are of that elusive "third gender", or are just really, really confused.) With that in mind, the best place to live depends on what you keep inside your pants. Here's how it breaks down:

Best Place for Women: Alaska, duh! You thought I'd say California? Ladies, let me ask you something. Would you rather live in a place where your competition consisted of size 0 glamazon model-types with full, lush lips and full, lush breasts, who cooed at every stupid thing your bohunk boyfriend said, oozing sex appeal at every turn, flaunting and fawning and basically using those fleeting years of youth to get as much money and power out of men that they could? Or would you rather live in a place where you get to wear your "cozy sweater" year-round, and the chances that you meet a strapping, rugged, bodice-ripping lumberjack/fisherman were pretty much guaranteed. Seriously now. Those guys up there have got it going ON. One, they have to be rugged. Why? It's ALASKA! There are bears up there, and bears attack and eat people. Would you prefer a wimpy gym rat who thinks that "protecting his woman" means buying her a padded bra? Hell, no. You want a man that thinks "protecting his woman" means "ripping out a Grizzly bear's jugular vein with my bare, masculine hands." Oh, those hands. I get the trembles. And it's always cold at night, so you KNOW he's going to want to cuddle after sex. If you can put up with not seeing the sun for 6 months, then Alaska is the place for the ladies.

Best Place for Men: Men, let me ask you something. Do you make money? Even a little bit? You don't? If you don't, that's OK. Can you do enough situps to give your manly frame some small semblance of fitness? Maybe? Good. Work with me here. Wait, you tell me you have no money, and you aren't in shape? That's alright. Change your last name to "Weinstein". Or "Pitt". Why? Because the best place for you is California. See above for reasons why. And don't worry; that smart, sensitive, artful chick is busy moving to some igloo in Juneau. You are pretty much guaranteed a pliant, nubile voluptubabe to get it on with until she gets too old, or starts actually talking and having ideas, and then you dump her for a newer model. California is the place you oughta be, so load up yer trucks, and move to Beverly. Hills that is.

What's kind of car would help you get the most chicks?

My answer above is pretty much a throw-away, and I answered it with humor, but this one I'm going to take seriously. And there's a really good reason why I'm going to set my sense of humor aside for now, and really be honest for a minute.

Guys, don't fool yourselves. A car - no matter what kind - is not going to get you a lot of chicks. Oh, sure, you may find some bimbo who likes that Ferrari, but most of us females automatically think "He is compensating for something", that something being a small penis. So go ahead, buy a Ferrari - we're going to think you have a small penis. And that, in the long run, is not the route you want to take when scoring chicks.

So no Ferrari. Maybe you are considering a Hummer, or an Excursion, or some giant Ford F-350 Superduperdieselextendedcabhuzzah thing. "It will make me look rugged, and manly, and if she sees how much money I'm spending on gas, she'll think I have a lot of money, and want to have sex with me." If you think this, then again, you are wrong. When us women see a guy in an oversized vehicle, again, the first thing we think is "He is compensating for something." Do I have to repeat what that something is? I'll repeat it: you have a small penis. And trust me - you'd rather have a girl think "Lame car" than "Small penis." We'll also think you are wasteful and foolish for throwing away $100 every two weeks on gasoline. Dumbass. Don't do that.

So no giant vehicle either. Maybe if you get a Hybrid, she'll think you're "sensitive", and "eco-conscious", and "in touch with her feminine feelings". And I have to say, you'd be close. But there is a fine line. Are you getting the Hybrid because you actually care about the environment, or because you want to get laid? Because if any girl is impressed with your Hybrid, just because it's a freakin HYBRID, then you better be prepared to walk the full walk. Keep some granola in your glove compartment. Grow your hair long. Stop wearing deodorant. Stop bathing. Eventually, though, that hot hippie chick you're trying to nail is going to just realize you're a smelly poseur and pretentious to boot, and that's almost worse than being thought of as having a small penis. Almost."

So, guest answerer to the Ask Ben column, what car DO I buy to score with chicks?" And my answer is...it really doesn't matter. You shouldn't even think about it. Ultimately, the ability you have to get girls has very little to do with the car you drive. Forget the TV shows and glossy magazines and rap videos that show some big pimp surrounded by booty-shakin voluptubabes grinding their asses in slow-motion on some Mercedes Benz. It doesn't happen like that in real life. Seriously, how many times have you seen an expensive car on the road? Were there booty girls grinding it? Probably not. It was probably stuck in the same traffic as you, going the same 7 miles an hour, listening to the same stupid radio station. And that guy in that expensive car probably has a smaller penis than you.

So don't buy any car on its perceived "chick factor", no matter what the slick salesman or the music video tells you. The number-one way to get the most chicks is to have a large penis. And I gotta tell you, in my life, I never was disappointed with a guy who drove a used, modest, unwashed, trash-in-the-backseat four-door sedan. That guy is thinking ahead. He's got nothing to prove, nothing to hide, and he knows how fun it is to kick all that backseat trash to the front to make room for...er, more people. Good luck.

Ben: Lets count the "New Califonia" words that the Bird knows that I've never heard of. I wonder if they will ever make it to New York. Superduperdieselextendedcabhuzzah, voluptubabes, voluptubabe, bohunk, glamazon, bodice-ripping.