Dating Friends
A friend and I tried dating this summer and a few weeks ago came to realization that things weren't going to work out...lets just say that he dumped me??? Yeah, exactly. I tried to think that it was based on maturity..I am 16 months older than him...but I couldn't understand why? I probably was the best thing going for him...a PRIZE! (My roommate "Hurricane" is writing this!) so after two weeks of not speaking this is the email i recieved, please don't judge the situation at hand, but I was curious to hear a male's stand point on the situation, I can take it..............
ps.... I have 24 hours to respond. HELP!
"hey "R". i thought about titling this email with typical spam mail content, you know "free viagra, is your penis big enough" type shit. i figured it would get a laugh and kind of lighten the tone of this whole thing, sort of hit the ground running. unfortunately i did a practice test, being the nerd that i am, and found that it just marks it as spam when the words penis, bigger, and cialis are all in the title......so unfortunately i had to go back to my default email heading. rather then just going on and on im just going to get into this thing as i dont want to waste any more time trying to be clever.
im not happy with the way things are. ive always been honest with you, as youve been with me, so i think its only fair to be honest, even if it hurts sometimes. i know you're unhappy with me and you probably dont want to deal w me, but i think you should at least know where im at. you, and by association "Hurricane" too, are clearly not pleased with me as made evident by last week's pizza, what i like to call, "one plain slice and one slice with extra awkward". that day i had contacted "Hurricane" just to say what up, had nothing to do with you, and she clearly was not happy with me from her response. on saturday, alexandra and i were at the same party and she clearly wasnt happy with me, so we had a little talk and hopefully things are cool with us....whatever, i dont really care that much. these things do not concern me nearly as much as how you feel, but unfortunately the vibe that im getting from the two of them does not really represent the way i thought you and i left things off. i know that by nature you are much more relaxed and easy going then they are, but i really hope you werent faking your emotions with me. i assumed that you were at the time\and maybe still are upset or dissapointed with me, which is completely fine......believe me, im upset and dissapointed in myself. BUT there is a big difference from being upset with someone and being angry at someone. im hoping its not the latter, because i dont think that is fair.......and if it is that you're willing to talk to me about it.
you are someone that is very important to me. you know me better then most people and for good reasons too. you know that in my life there is constantly a crazy mixture of friends, haters, family, disasters, hookups, people who just want to be in my world etc. unfortunately, and ive told you this before, there are very few people in my world that i really give a shit about. you are one of them. i think that you are an amazing person in every sense of the word, and this is not something that i would say even about most of my closest friends. you're interesting, funny, entertaining, honest, attractive and somebody that overall i love to spend time with. if i have not made this clear to you in the past or my actions have dictated that i feel otherwise, im truly sorry. but please understand my feelings about you and know that me not wanting to date\hook up\be romantically involved has nothing to do with you or anything you did. i really hope that you're not in any way getting down on yourself about this whole thing, again. it is not at all your fault, it is 110 percent my fault.
i dont know what the fuck i want romantically in my life. the closer i get to someone, the more i just want to hook up with other girls and keep outdoing myself. and the more girls i hook up with the more i want to be in a relationship. as confident as i am about myself (personality, demeanor), im insecure about other things (like everyone else) and going out, hooking up, not being tied to anything is one of the ways that i hide behind it. i clearly have some issues, i know that, and on this topic its something ive known for awhile.......and its for that exact reason that i had to be so brutally honest with you. i know i did the right thing by telling you the truth this whole time. im sorry that i dragged you into my craziness. im sorry i was hooking up with someone before and during the time that we were. im sorry that you got all over me at maiysha's album release, because at any other time i would have been able to control myself and would not have kissed you. but at the same time im glad that i didnt let our thing to go on, didnt sleep with you or even really try to sleep with you, and let you know where i stood throughout this whole thing. you are the only person ive ever hooked up with in my entire life (excluding middle school) who i did not see naked within 3 times of hooking up. pretty impressive on your part, pretty sleezy on mine, and while i know this sounds corny, should signify how much you are someone that i respect and care about. I can live with myself knowing how i handled this whole thing and be okay knowing i did the right thing, but i cant live with myself knowing that one of the friendships i care about most is potentially in the shitter. its twice as bad because this effects how "Hurricane" treats me, but in all honesty if she wants to be pissed at me...... fine, i havent done shit to her and ive been nothing short of a great friend. i know im a little bit of a pompous prick, but you know that i am a good honest person, and that i would never intentionally do anything to hurt you or anyone who i care about so dearly. I hope you know where im at from this email and that it helps things in any way that it can........and most importantly i hope that maybe you'll considering speaking to me\moving on so we can go back to being close and having fun together.
Talk soon, A"
OMG...wow...I'll try to respond but that was a book. I'll send this to "Hurricane" too, b/c I know you'd send it to her anyway, and I may post this on my Q&A site, anonymously J, w/your permission.
First, you broke the carnal rule of dating a friend . . . You need to be exclusive and "all in" from the beginning. I'm not talking about sleeping w/the person right away, but I'm talking about thinking ahead of time and making sure its both what you want. I'm all about giving up every friend you have for the shot at eternal happiness, but that doesn't mean you should be dumb or compromising about it.
Second, this guy is really immature. While he blames himself quite a few times, he also says things that beg for complements. He's needy and needs confirmation from you saying things like "I did the right thing" and "I didn't try to sleep with you." By searching for affirmation, he actually isn't' sure he did the right thing, but does want you to believe he did the right thing.
Third, "A" does not sound like he treats girls well, and you should have known that ahead of time. I have no idea if you were his prize (as "Hurricane" says) or he is yours, but even though he didn't act on it, he likely had goals with you, and he never reached those goals. There's a part of you that should be skeptical about his intentions w/this letter, he may just want to start hooking up again, so he can complete his quest to see you naked. It's amazing to me that he would put that "I didn't even try to see you naked" comment in there, letting you know how he values girls and relationships, with goals and points and scores. I wouldn't be surprised if you two started up again, if you went down on him a few times and then it all blew up again.
Fourth, obviously there wasn't much passion between you two so you probably should be together. Usually, when two friends get together, there's a lot of passion and built up tension. Sexual frustration and flirtation has been going on for months, b/c you two have been cautious about it, and then it just explodes. Usually these relationships go much faster than normal b/c of it. If you plan out like "lets date" and then go on a real date, and then kiss b/c you are supposed to after a date, the chemistry and passion will be gone and it just will feel awkward, like you are kissing your brother. If that was the case, and there was no passion, then I wouldn't suggest dating him again, at least not for a few years.
Fifth, I'm a huge fan of going for it w/a friend. I would give up most of my friendships for the chance at finding the one person, if I thought the friend could be it. And I have a few times. That being said, it's extremely difficult to go backwards once you make that decision. That's why you have to go all in right away, b/c you can't casually date your friend. He was dating other people at the same time, so what was the point of ruining your friendship!? I don't get that at all.
Sixth, you and "Hurricane" should try not to share a brain so much. It totally sucks when someone knows too much about you, especially when it's personal. It is intimidating and frankly awkward when you bump into the friend of the girl you are dating and she knows everything about everything. I know you two are close, but sometimes, you have to keep things close to the chest.
Lastly, what do you want? Do you want him as a friend? You can have him. Do you want him as more than a friend? Proceed very very cautiously, and be a bitch and put your foot down. If you want to date, you have to go all in, those are the friend rules. Of course, as I wrote here, almost 3 years ago, I don't think most guys and girls can be friends.
ps.... I have 24 hours to respond. HELP!
"hey "R". i thought about titling this email with typical spam mail content, you know "free viagra, is your penis big enough" type shit. i figured it would get a laugh and kind of lighten the tone of this whole thing, sort of hit the ground running. unfortunately i did a practice test, being the nerd that i am, and found that it just marks it as spam when the words penis, bigger, and cialis are all in the title......so unfortunately i had to go back to my default email heading. rather then just going on and on im just going to get into this thing as i dont want to waste any more time trying to be clever.
im not happy with the way things are. ive always been honest with you, as youve been with me, so i think its only fair to be honest, even if it hurts sometimes. i know you're unhappy with me and you probably dont want to deal w me, but i think you should at least know where im at. you, and by association "Hurricane" too, are clearly not pleased with me as made evident by last week's pizza, what i like to call, "one plain slice and one slice with extra awkward". that day i had contacted "Hurricane" just to say what up, had nothing to do with you, and she clearly was not happy with me from her response. on saturday, alexandra and i were at the same party and she clearly wasnt happy with me, so we had a little talk and hopefully things are cool with us....whatever, i dont really care that much. these things do not concern me nearly as much as how you feel, but unfortunately the vibe that im getting from the two of them does not really represent the way i thought you and i left things off. i know that by nature you are much more relaxed and easy going then they are, but i really hope you werent faking your emotions with me. i assumed that you were at the time\and maybe still are upset or dissapointed with me, which is completely fine......believe me, im upset and dissapointed in myself. BUT there is a big difference from being upset with someone and being angry at someone. im hoping its not the latter, because i dont think that is fair.......and if it is that you're willing to talk to me about it.
you are someone that is very important to me. you know me better then most people and for good reasons too. you know that in my life there is constantly a crazy mixture of friends, haters, family, disasters, hookups, people who just want to be in my world etc. unfortunately, and ive told you this before, there are very few people in my world that i really give a shit about. you are one of them. i think that you are an amazing person in every sense of the word, and this is not something that i would say even about most of my closest friends. you're interesting, funny, entertaining, honest, attractive and somebody that overall i love to spend time with. if i have not made this clear to you in the past or my actions have dictated that i feel otherwise, im truly sorry. but please understand my feelings about you and know that me not wanting to date\hook up\be romantically involved has nothing to do with you or anything you did. i really hope that you're not in any way getting down on yourself about this whole thing, again. it is not at all your fault, it is 110 percent my fault.
i dont know what the fuck i want romantically in my life. the closer i get to someone, the more i just want to hook up with other girls and keep outdoing myself. and the more girls i hook up with the more i want to be in a relationship. as confident as i am about myself (personality, demeanor), im insecure about other things (like everyone else) and going out, hooking up, not being tied to anything is one of the ways that i hide behind it. i clearly have some issues, i know that, and on this topic its something ive known for awhile.......and its for that exact reason that i had to be so brutally honest with you. i know i did the right thing by telling you the truth this whole time. im sorry that i dragged you into my craziness. im sorry i was hooking up with someone before and during the time that we were. im sorry that you got all over me at maiysha's album release, because at any other time i would have been able to control myself and would not have kissed you. but at the same time im glad that i didnt let our thing to go on, didnt sleep with you or even really try to sleep with you, and let you know where i stood throughout this whole thing. you are the only person ive ever hooked up with in my entire life (excluding middle school) who i did not see naked within 3 times of hooking up. pretty impressive on your part, pretty sleezy on mine, and while i know this sounds corny, should signify how much you are someone that i respect and care about. I can live with myself knowing how i handled this whole thing and be okay knowing i did the right thing, but i cant live with myself knowing that one of the friendships i care about most is potentially in the shitter. its twice as bad because this effects how "Hurricane" treats me, but in all honesty if she wants to be pissed at me...... fine, i havent done shit to her and ive been nothing short of a great friend. i know im a little bit of a pompous prick, but you know that i am a good honest person, and that i would never intentionally do anything to hurt you or anyone who i care about so dearly. I hope you know where im at from this email and that it helps things in any way that it can........and most importantly i hope that maybe you'll considering speaking to me\moving on so we can go back to being close and having fun together.
Talk soon, A"
OMG...wow...I'll try to respond but that was a book. I'll send this to "Hurricane" too, b/c I know you'd send it to her anyway, and I may post this on my Q&A site, anonymously J, w/your permission.
First, you broke the carnal rule of dating a friend . . . You need to be exclusive and "all in" from the beginning. I'm not talking about sleeping w/the person right away, but I'm talking about thinking ahead of time and making sure its both what you want. I'm all about giving up every friend you have for the shot at eternal happiness, but that doesn't mean you should be dumb or compromising about it.
Second, this guy is really immature. While he blames himself quite a few times, he also says things that beg for complements. He's needy and needs confirmation from you saying things like "I did the right thing" and "I didn't try to sleep with you." By searching for affirmation, he actually isn't' sure he did the right thing, but does want you to believe he did the right thing.
Third, "A" does not sound like he treats girls well, and you should have known that ahead of time. I have no idea if you were his prize (as "Hurricane" says) or he is yours, but even though he didn't act on it, he likely had goals with you, and he never reached those goals. There's a part of you that should be skeptical about his intentions w/this letter, he may just want to start hooking up again, so he can complete his quest to see you naked. It's amazing to me that he would put that "I didn't even try to see you naked" comment in there, letting you know how he values girls and relationships, with goals and points and scores. I wouldn't be surprised if you two started up again, if you went down on him a few times and then it all blew up again.
Fourth, obviously there wasn't much passion between you two so you probably should be together. Usually, when two friends get together, there's a lot of passion and built up tension. Sexual frustration and flirtation has been going on for months, b/c you two have been cautious about it, and then it just explodes. Usually these relationships go much faster than normal b/c of it. If you plan out like "lets date" and then go on a real date, and then kiss b/c you are supposed to after a date, the chemistry and passion will be gone and it just will feel awkward, like you are kissing your brother. If that was the case, and there was no passion, then I wouldn't suggest dating him again, at least not for a few years.
Fifth, I'm a huge fan of going for it w/a friend. I would give up most of my friendships for the chance at finding the one person, if I thought the friend could be it. And I have a few times. That being said, it's extremely difficult to go backwards once you make that decision. That's why you have to go all in right away, b/c you can't casually date your friend. He was dating other people at the same time, so what was the point of ruining your friendship!? I don't get that at all.
Sixth, you and "Hurricane" should try not to share a brain so much. It totally sucks when someone knows too much about you, especially when it's personal. It is intimidating and frankly awkward when you bump into the friend of the girl you are dating and she knows everything about everything. I know you two are close, but sometimes, you have to keep things close to the chest.
Lastly, what do you want? Do you want him as a friend? You can have him. Do you want him as more than a friend? Proceed very very cautiously, and be a bitch and put your foot down. If you want to date, you have to go all in, those are the friend rules. Of course, as I wrote here, almost 3 years ago, I don't think most guys and girls can be friends.
posted by Ben Steger | 9:37 AM
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