Recently I've become an ear. Everyone's been coming to me with their problems and I've been talking down quite a few kids. Dispensing advice, giving them an outlet, and telling them when they're dead wrong. Some of these conversations have been in email form, and thus they're applicable for this website. Of course, I'm great at listening, and giving advice, but I'm not so good at taking my own advice. At least I know when I'm ignoring my rational mind. Due to the fact that I procrastinated on this column for 2+ months, I actually have outcomes listed below the answers.
So my boyfriend and I are officially broken up - so sad, as you said. So now you can give me your advice - boys and commitment; why so scary? He cannot decide if her ever wants to get married; doesn't understand why people do it. It's difficult justifying staying in a relationship with someone that is so torn.When a guy starts dating a girl, at no time during the first few months is he fantasizing about a long term future unless “long term” is what he was specifically seeking when you met. This is very unlike how a girl thinks. She’ll almost immediately start fantasizing about the future and the more so the more she likes him. Additionally, the girl will start justifying his actions so he fits into her mold of what she wants while the guy will be doing the opposite, judging her actions to see if she doesn’t fit into his mold. This is what dating is used for.
There was an interesting article on Yahoo last week which talked about why some guys don’t get married. The vast majority of men want to get married, but of the ones who have not gotten married, their problem isn’t finding the girl, their problem is the fear of a bad marriage. Very
Interesting Article. Here are some other issues:
Expectations: One major problem guys have with settling down is our expectations. While girls generally fantasize about finding the perfect guy, guys actually think about the perfect girl. While girls mold the guy they are dating into that perfect guy, the guy keeps a tally on how the girl isn’t that perfect girl. Because of this phenomenon, many girls are good enough for right now, but not good enough for forever. Why would a guy decide to spend the rest of his life w/someone he has not been dreaming about his whole life? That question forces the guy to keep the girl around but also not push to the next level. Even though he’s been dating you for a year, he’s still expecting to end up w/someone else in the long run. Girls are actually more into reality that guys are. Guys are dreaming about some unrealistic future, while girls are all about looking at what’s directly in front of them.
Emotionless: Guys are obviously less emotional than women. Not only is it a bit leap for guys to start loving someone, but it is a huge leap for us to believe that love would last forever, considering how hard it was just to love in the first place.
Trapped: Most guys are totally fine with the decision to be exclusive, and to be with one person, and one person only forever, we see it as inevitability, but the timing of that decision can be a problem and scare the hell out of many guys. For example: A guy is casually dating, then they meet someone they like and decide to become exclusive and give it a chance, no big deal at the time but little do they know that the decision to become exclusive after a few dates could spiral into never talking to another girl again…and once that fact is realized, freak-out time occurs and creates the inability to commit. Guys tend to freak out sometimes once you are 6 months into a relationship, and the guy is forced to realize that a decision he made 6 months earlier to go out w/you a few times might actually mean that he will never be with another girl.
Mothers: The last problem I see is with mothers. Some guys don’t like their mothers and don’t want to be w/someone who they think might end up like their mother. Some guys love their mothers and don’t want to be w/someone who won’t likely become their mother and lastly, some guys see their girlfriend in their girlfriend’s mother, and realize they don’t want to be w/someone like that either. None of these “mother” reasons are strong enough to break off a perfectly good relationship, but may keep your relationship from progressing to the next commitment level.
There are plenty of good guys who want to be in a long term committed relationship that will lead to marriage. You need to find them earlier in the dating process and get rid of the ones who are still unsure of what they want. The good ones, unfortunately, are the ones who will scare you away. The dorky kid who’s too nice to you, or not good looking enough, or doesn’t play the right game b/c he’s sick of games is the keeper. Anyway, keep searching, you’ll find him. J.
(2 months later, she is still single, they are still broken up, barely talking but bumping into eachother since the run in the same circles. She is much happier.)My jerk of a bf just told me that he doesn’t get that good of night sleeps when he sleeps next to me...so I told him we won’t sleep next to each other anymore then and he said not to worry, we'd figure it out. We've been sleeping next to each other for 5 months and now he doesn’t sleep well...so annoying... why not tell me from the get go? That’s like a girl telling a guy the sex is bad...I mean, come on!!Don't freak its totally meaningless. Did not think you would care or never would have said it. It won't change anything. Sleeping next to someone just takes getting used to. Like you said, it’s almost like you telling him the sex is bad (not even close, but lets go with it). You could never have said anything like that 1 month into the relationship, but 5 months in, he’s comfortable to tell you when something is bothering him, even if he knows you may be a little sensitive about it. That’s a good thing. That’s him trusting you and opening up and trusting the strength of the relationship. Deal with it. It may have been a mean thing to say, but it’s a good thing for him to say with regard to where your relationship is going.
(2 months later, she is still crazy, she is still cheating on her boyfriend with her ex (might not be physically, but is definitely emotionally, she is still unhappy)I visited my boy this weekend but I couldn’t get him to call me his GF. We aren’t dating anyone else why aren’t we bf/gf? I would consider us to be bf/gf…I mean its all there so why not the label for convenience’s sake. I’d rather not call him “the guy I’m exclusively fucking.” He’s my BF.This is why you don’t start a relationship from a long distance unless you are a trusting person. I know why the label matters to you, and I know why it matters to him, and I don’t know why it technically matters. I guess when a guy w/a GF meets someone, they are obligated to mention that they have a GF w/in the first 3 minutes of conversation (this is what I’ve learned over the last year). Now, though he’s exclusive, he’s free of that obligation, and just that obligation. Hopefully, he doesn’t think he’s free to break the exclusivity portion…but that’s just a trust issue…and trusting someone new from so far isn’t easy.
(2 months later, they are broken up and not talking, she is crushing on someone else)Blahhhh.. I’m stressed... I’m feeling self destructive about “J.” I can't really put my finger on it… but I feel like something is odd. Plus, I actually checked jdate this morning to see if he was signing on…and sure enough...he was online… for over an hour. I find that odd if he isn’t paying for the service.
Advise me Ben – It’s been 4 months… Do I say something to see if we are on the same page? i have avoided bringing up a convo about it, but if he wants to date other girls.. i can't really hang around. i also don’t understand why he would check date if he wasn’t looking... that bugs me.
That doesn't sound good at all...and if he's making you paranoid that's not good either. Do you talk daily? Do you know what he's doing every night? He may be committed, but not ready to actually acknowledge that he's in a relationship...which can just take time and some getting used to.
I know my ex used to check to see if I was on Jdate still...of course, I hadn't used it since 1.5 years before I started seeing her, so that was extra crazy on her part. Saying something is tricky, but not totally out of left field...nothing wrong w/bringing it up. Don't be accusatory though about the jdate thing...or bring it up over email.
(Continued)I might be paranoid cuz I’m a girl… but I try hard not to be "that" girl. We don't necessarily talk daily on the phone, at the beginning would usually talk on gmail or IM…I always let him IM me first pretty much… I think that’s what bugs me is that he isn’t really initiating much convo lately. He did call me as he was leaving the airport on mon when he got into Denver to hang out, it’s not like we don’t hang… He was only in town mon night and left Tues morn for Seattle till fri. I’m not bringing anything up over email. I just hate having to bring this convo up… I was hoping he would do it… but hasn’t happened yet. The whole jdate thing is aggravating period. i just don’t think he should be looking if he isn’t interested in finding something. I’m gonna try not to bring that up at all.. first ask him about where we stand pretty much… find out if we are on the same page. Of course, he still hasn’t changed his "single" on Facebook, no surprise. He changes his status but not his relationship status.. I find that odd too. I told my friend Pam about it… she said she has checked his profile a few times and it said he hadn’t signed on in like 48 days... who knows. Yes, all girls are crazy... blah... I need to focus on work not stupid shit! I need a VACAY!It’s really tough...I don’t envy you...obv you like him a lot, and so you don't want to push him away but don't want to be strung along...really tough spot. The whole jdate thing could be him just looking...we all do that...doesn't mean he's talking to anyone or wants to stop dating you. I don't understand girls not wanting to initiate convo, I love when a girl I like acts like she likes me!
he might just be taking a little space...you guys did spend a few weekends together in a short period of time...weekends away are different than weekends at home... maybe just give him the space and he'll come around...you obv don't want to force him... Most girls have very good instincts on this stuff, but don’t trust those instincts, and/or don’t want to trust those instincts.
(2 months later, they are broken up. Actually, they broke up a few days later).I'm just bumming about some asshole who calls me fat and makes me mad. I feel like he always tries to put me down and then tries to keep me hanging in there… it's idiotic and it makes it hard to be open to other people.DONT LET SOMEONE TREAT YOU LIKE THAT. I kidna want to kick his but w/o even knowing him. Who does that?! And you look great!
It’s about my sister and her bf. They've been together for about 5.5 years (since beginning of freshman year in college) and have been living together for at least 4 of those years. The last two have been in Boston, where they moved after graduation. It's his hometown, although they were looking at other places and it just happened to work out that they both got jobs there. Last fall my sis applied to grad programs, and was choosing between several schools... she's now decided to go to upenn (which, as a side note, will be great since I'm moving to Philly too). Here's the issue... her bf does not want to go. He has a few reasons (he likes his job, he likes his friends, he likes being close to his family but he said that wasn't one of his main reasons) although the reasons tend to fluctuate depending on the week. He also has begun to express some doubt (maybe doubt is too strong a word - uncertainty?) about their relationship - not b/c of some specific problem, more b/c it’s been his only major relationship and he has nothing to compare it to. His job has offered to work with him even if he goes to Philly (he'd be a consultant i guess and work from home), but his mom raised some concerns about how isolated he'd be sitting at home all day working. He's also planning on applying to b-school this fall and would likely be going back to school next year (and would probably go for a Boston school). So this is a one to two year move, with the definite potential to go back to Boston after. Meanwhile, my sister has explicitly stated (both to me and him) that she's not interested in the long distance thing. not only because they've lived together for 4 years and this would be a major step back, but more significantly she feels that if they're in different cities next year it’s because he chose to stay - he chose those other factors (work and friends) over their relationship. if it was because he was starting his own grad program in a different place, her position would be different. So they're kind of at a standstill where neither one wants to break up, but the way they're headed that may be the end result. I'm curious if you can give any insight on if/how they might come to some other conclusion aside from breaking up...
Long Distance is very simple. Pretty much you do LD for a period. If you are going crazy because you are mad about the person, and you can't stay apart, then you know that one of the two has to move. If you are surviving being apart, and LD is actually working to an extent, then you know have to break up.
Within one year, you’ll know. If your sister knows ahead of time she can’t do LD, then I guess they are over for now. I think I’d be over forever if I didn’t try the LD thing. When you know it’s the right person, you’d likely do anything, but not even trying sounds like she already knows he’s not.
