Q&A w/Fire Island Hater

What's the etiquette for dating at work? Does it matter if they work in your dept or not? Does it matter if they are senior to you or of equal stature?

It's about time I "banged" out another set of "rules." Unfortunately, as I wrote them I realized they're more like guidelines than rules, as all can and will most likely be broken. May as well start from the top.

1) Don't date a coworker at a small company. Under 20 employees... get a new job first. I know a bunch of guys who quit their jobs in order to date someone at their old firm.

2) Don't date someone that works in your department or on your floor. The best work relationships that actually can last involve people that don't directly work with each other/on top of each other. This rule keeps breakups much cleaner, less awkward.

3) The age of the two employees does not matter, but the SENIORITY does. Do not hook up with one of your subordinates. Likewise, I always tell people that if possible, they SHOULD sleep with their boss. Why? Because you become your boss. You'll move up faster, get paid more, and work less. Your boss has a new project for you? "No thanks." You won't get stiffed on a bonus or passed up on a promotion when he/she has sexually harassed you. In essence, you become the boss.

4) Summer interns: It needs to be near the end of the summer, and you need to make sure they are going to get the offer (even if you're not involved in the hiring process). Obviously, this isn't a long term thing.

5) If he's cheating on his wife, it's not going to work out. Even if he breaks up with her and marries you. He'll move on again.

6) Actually like the person. Don't do it just for fun... there are other, less complicated, options for that.

7) If you ignore rule 6, (and you will) set ground rules. If you hooked up out of passion, you need to have the talk. It can still happen again, it can happen all the time, but you need to tell them rule 8 (especially if they aren't attractive or highly regarded in the office).

8) Lastly, and most importantly, keep it a secret until it's serious...perhaps even until you're engaged!

9) If you do decide to follow rule 8, DON'T SCREW UP RULE 8. Keep your secret a secret. In other words, don't get drunk and make out at the xmas party and have the entire company think you are both sloppy when you've really been dating for 2 years.



What advice is someone like me (29 year old) supposed to give a friend who is contemplating whether or not they should get a divorce? (no kids, married 2 years).

If kids are involved, I say stay together forever. You don't deserve a life of happiness if that means you are going to screw up your kids. If you are single, you can still get out.

Advice isn't really your job. You're supposed to help them find the right answer. Perhaps, if you're close enough to them, the best thing to do is ask them these questions.

Do you still love him/her?
Do you still envision/dream/see yourself in 20-30 years living with this person and growing old with this person?
Do you legitimately want to make it work and are you willing to try harder than you've ever tried to make it work?

If your friend answers yes to these 3 questions, then he/she should obviously not get a divorce. If the love is gone, but the last 2 answers are still yes, then it is not going to be easy, but a divorce can be avoided. Unfortunately, this will take brutal internal honesty on your friends part. If his eyes and heart are straying, it won't be easy to bring them back. Of course, if the answer to the last 2 questions is "no," then a divorce may be unavoidable and the questions will steer your friend in that direction.

While your friend is asking for divorce advice and looking to be convinced one way or the other. Your job is to make sure that friend is making the ultimate decision.

30, Valentine's Day, Girl on Girl Issues, and Facebook Deleting

What are some of the benefits to being 30?

Here's what I got off the top of my head:
- I have more credibility, people think I'm successful.
- People think I'm mature...this means that when I act immature, I can catch people offguard (which is the purpose of acting that way).
- I'm allowed to get fat...or be fat...or at least I have an excuse for getting fat.
- When someone asks me to help them move apartments for the fee of some pizza and beer, I can say no. I'm pretty sure this is the rule, once you turn 30, you no longer have any obligation to help anyone move....your friends should get movers already.

How do you do Valentine's Day well?

First of all, I hate Valentine's day. My goal, as a boyfriend is to make every day feel like Valentine's Day... or at least that's what I tell my DJ. (I'm so freakin smooth w/the lines sometimes).

When you "Do It Up" on Vday, you just set her up for disappointment the other 362 days of the year (not her bday or xmas). You also get her expectations really high for the following Vday. She just wants to be with you, so spend the entire day with her! If you want to get her flowers, fine. If you want to spend an absurd amount of money on a dinner you could get the night before or after for 1/3 of the cost, you're an idiot, and if you want to take her somewhere special, enjoy. But as I said before, you're gonna have to do this over and over for the rest of your life...so don't do too much or she'll be disappointed ever year. Do not propose to her (see below)***

Above all, get her a gift and a card (oops). It doesn't have to cost $, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be thoughtful... a thoughtful surprise.

The last thing you need to do is remind her what Valentine's Day is for women, a competition. Every girl, single or taken has to ask "What'd you do yesterday? What'd he get you? Where did he take you?" That "Everygirl's" goal is to judge and rank, though her reaction will likely be "awwe." You need to tell your girl that this isn't some competition, and that you are not trying to win any awards, you just love spending time w/her. You need tell her to answer those questions as such "We had a lovely day/evening together," or "He got me something thoughtful and special" or "He took me somewhere personal and special."

The purpose is to A) Trivialize all other women into a "how could I ever like anyone but you" classificaiton and B) let her know that you're not gonna "do it up," but it shouldn't ever be a compention, that's not the point. Also, if you ever decide to "do it up" 5 years from now, she'll be extra surprised.

*** If you propose to a girl on any special day, that day will become even more special. HOWEVER, if for some reason, she says "no" or you screw it up and you break up, that day will forever be ruined in her life. Is that a nice thing to do for a girl? Possibly ruin every xmas she has for the last 60 years of her life b/c you decided to propose on xmas? Exactly.

My female / female friendship is unballanced, what do I do? My friend is awesome, and I love her, and she loves me, but I can't help that she's only cute while I'm stunning can I?

The best female / female friendships work when both person thinks the other is a little bit better than they are. in terms of looks, coolness, money, status, popularity, or whatever other superfical judgement category girls use to value things. There are two possibilites, you can try to live with it, or you can pump her up. As you know, being the pretty one sucks very often. Remind her of this. Try something like "Sometimes I'm so jealous of how approachable you are. Guys talk to you constantly b/c you're so cute, while guys are just intimidated by me. The only guys who talk to me are the assholes with the guts to do it, or the really drunk ones. You have normal guys walking up to you all the time, while I have to keep my guard up b/c I get a constant streem of cocky jerks. Trust me, being 'pretty' sucks!" GOOD LUCK!

I realized yesterday that some guy i'm Facebook friends with is having a baby...and that i have no idea who he is. This mornig, I actually ran into someone that i'm fb friends with that i haven't seen in like 8 years! now i can't delete him, right? We said hi and then he 'wrote on my wall' 1/2 hour later. The question is, when is it ok to delete a FB friend?

I delete FB friends all the time. There is an art to it. A few years ago, I deleted a bunch and then told the rest that they'd been saved - Here's the article.

Anyway, you can keep whoever you want, if you like them, even if you haven't talked to them in years. These are the types of people you can delete, at any time, no matter what. Unfortunately, you may not delete family, unless you are deleting your parents and you are under 22.

People you haven't talked to in a year.
People you met once.
People I will never message again
Ex's at any time, for any reason.
(feel free to comment w/your own rules for deletion)

A good test of someone's facebook friend worthyness is thinking of this hypothetical scenario. If you ran into that person at a bar, and none of your mutual friends were in the room, would you talk to them or ignore them?

This happened to me last summer. I was standing right next to a FB friend who I gone to college with. I didn't say hi and pretty much pretended like we didn't know eacother. She was deleted the next day.

As I said, these are just guidelines, you don’t have to delete these people. You don’t ever have to delete someone you actually like.

Funny story: Last month I emailed a girl that I had not talked to in years because a friend of mine was applying for a job at her company, and I was hoping to help by sending the resume through her. She wrote back "Honestly, it would not be professional for me to recommend a complete stranger." Of course, I wasn't asking for a recommendation, just an "in." A few days later, she deleted me. I wrote back post deletion "congrats on getting married." The funniest part of this story is that, though we have not talked in 4 years probably, I'm pretty sure she reads this site periodically.

Q&A for Men (who are acting like women)

Questions from men, answered by a man-ish:

Q: I have been emailing with this girl for a few days that I met at a party last week. I’m not sure she’s interested and I don’t want to ask for her number and get rejected b/c we’ll be seeing a lot of each other in the future due to our mutual friends. She’s not very responsive to the emails, but I believe that’s because she’s either A) busy or B) just doesn’t like email. She takes a while to respond and doesn’t really put in much effort to answer all the questions and whatnot. We got along great in person though. How can I find out w/o it getting weird?

A: Try sending an email like this: “I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, b/c you could possibly be really young, but the proper way to respond to an email is to answer all the questions asked of you, then ask a few more of your own to elicit a similar response from me Perhaps, growing up in the cell phone age, you are more accustomed to texting… if you’d like to switch to that format of communication, I believe it can be arranged.”

Feel free to end that email with “I’d be happy to oblige” or “I suppose I can acquiesce” or “I guess I can make the sacrifice” instead of the other suggested line.

If she likes you, she’ll laugh, she'll apologize and respond with a full email and she’ll send her number. If not, she’ll say she’s been really busy, but you’ll know, and it won’t be awkward going forward. At that time, you’re welcome to tease the crap out of her with “you could have told me” or “I’m pretty sure I’m your #1 priority” or something to that affect or effect.


Q: My friend has a date with a girl on a Sunday. He doesn’t know what time to make it for. Is 7:30 too early? I feel like it’s a pretty “safe” time to offer up. It’s a first date so he's nervous.

A: Is he a woman? Tell him to stop thinking too much because no girl likes a guy who cares too much before he should. I used to get nervous all the time, those girls were the ones who didn’t like me back because it was sooo obvious how much I wanted it. 7:30 is fine for a Sunday, but it can’t end before 9pm b/c she’ll get home and wonder what she’s doing the rest of the evening. He has gotta make it last until 10pm, but can’t go much past 11 b/c it’s Sunday. Perhaps, 8:15pm is the best time to be on the “safe” side.


Q: I met this girl at an event on Wednesday and on Friday a girl w/the same first name emailed the group some “spam-ish” type email. What should I respond with? I don’t even know if it’s the same girl.

A: I need background on her, your conversations with her.

Q: We were talking about how after the event she was going to break it off w/some guy she was dating. Don’t remember much else.

A: Email “Hi ####: Thanks for the mass email! (you are teasing her) Are you the Alli I met on Wednesday at the Event? If you are, then it was great to meet you and I hope the dumping of that guy went great. If you are not, then you should feel honored to be confused with such a lovely lady. Take care”


Q: How far ahead of time do you have to look if you want to buy a place?

A: Guest Response b/c I have no clue:
*3 months to close (could be less, but plan for worst)
*1 month for negotiation/acceptance of bid
*1-3 months of looking before you find a place you really like

Obviously all of these can be shorter (or longer) like if you find the place of your dreams the first apt. you go into. But otherwise, I think that is about right.

More on Ex's, Bosses, and My Life

When I’ve got writing brain freeze, there’s no better way to unthaw it than a Q&A!

From OCD: How come it seems like no matter how much you feel you are over your ex, think they are actually kind of annoying, have stopped thinking about them regularly, it really really sucks when you find out they have a new girlfriend?

There are 2 reasons and they revolve around questioning yourself (confidence) and jealousy.

First we constantly question ourselves about our decisions not to be with someone. When a different girl decides she wants to be with a particular boy that you didn't want to be with, you start thinking "does she know something I don’t' know?" or "why does she fit better than I fit?" “Maybe it was me?” This is all about self confidence. When you made your decision to break up, you were confident in it. Be confident in it in the future.

The second reaction is jealousy. No matter if you dumped him or not, you still don't want anyone to be with him. You were "the one" for some period, and that should never change. It's kinda like how boys want to be with a girl who's never been with another guy before him. He's jealous over someone he never met that she dated 4 years earlier.

Oh, I forgot the 3rd reason…boys suck.


From Panhead: What is the appropriate way to ask your boss for something to do? It is always way more awkward to ask for work, than pretending to be working. But I would rather have some work to do, on these occasions that arise.

You hit the nail on the head. You absolutely do not want to walk into your boss’s office and say “do you have anything for me to work on?” That’s obviously the wrong decision.

My suggestions are 4 fold:
1) You are nuts, do not ask your boss for more work. Why would you want more work?

2) If you like the company, try to learn more about what everyone else at your level does. You don’t have to ask your boss for more work, but you can let your peers know that you have more time, or are curious about what they do and how they do it.

3) Start doing more work. If you know what your boss does with your work once it’s done, maybe do his work a few times and show him. That may get you fired for being too ambitious and stepping on others toes, but it may get you promoted for showing initiative. Instead of asking for more work, suggest that you be allowed to take your work to the next level.

4) If you don’t really like your company, enjoy the time off. Get a blackberry so you can search the web and chat and do everything you could want to do when not at work, during work. Feel free to leave the office on long walks and / or go shopping.


What the hell have you been doing and why aren’t you writing?!

I’ve gotten this question a few times, and the answer is pretty simple: I’m busy and I’m lazy. Deal with it!

Here’s what I’ve been busy doing...

New 09 Responsibilities:
I’ve already written about IMentor, Ibro, but this year, the year of “Everything’s Fine in 09,” I’ve taken on a few more responsibilities.

I’m on the board of the Young Friends of JBFCS. We’re a group that goes to all the JBFCS buildings and plays with the kids that are being housed there. Sometimes its sports, sometimes it’s a holiday party, but it’s really rewarding and fun and we’ve got a great group of people who participate.

I’m an Observer on the board of The Isabella Freedman Retreat Center in North Western Connecticut. When UJA asked me to be an observer on this board, I hardly knew anything about it. The more I learn however, the more I like it. There are all kinds of programs and spiritual retreats for youth and elderly. There’s a green program as well, where people live off the land for 3 months. If is the standard for running a “green” organization, and they are working to teach everyone else to be the same. The Center has a ton of leadership changes going on now, and it’s actually a really exciting time to be involved.

I’m on the Community Connections Board at UJA. We’re a group of 10 young professionals that had $200K to give out to 4 or 5 projects around the city. These projects are meant to facilitate communication between Jewish teens and other ethnicities in their neighborhoods in the city and slightly beyond. We are funding a modified “West Side Story” show in Washington Heights. We are funding an entrepreneurship program, where kids get to start a company in Crown Heights. There are 2 other programs as well, including one dealing with science projects too. We only meet every other month, but it’s really really interesting work, especially when we visit our projects (I’m going this week!).

Books:
The Last Lecture: A guide book to how to live your life by a terminally ill. It describes his journey to give a lecture to his students about life, and that lecture. Really touching, really good advice. I didn’t cry.

Look at the Birdie: Fantastic book by the late Kurt Vonnegut. While his books follow one really well written quirky character through a crazy story, this is a bunch of really well written short stories with many quirky characters. You jump right into each story and he doesn’t tell you much about the characters. You learn about their lot in life as you read about their trials. Of course, I posted my favorite quote (about marriage) from the book on Facebook and it got me in lotsa trouble w/my DJ and her friends. It was something like “Single people are lonely, but married people are lonely with dependants.”

Time Traveler’s Wife: This is my kinda story. Not because it’s a chick book. Not b/c it’s about time travel, and not b/c it’s well written. It’s my kinda story b/c it’s organized really well. I like how each 3-5 page chapter is a different time, a different year, and a different age of the characters. I could care less that the writing isn’t so great, that the story has loopholes that make no sense, and that the theme is supposed to be all sad and sappy when it really isn’t. What I care about is organization, b/c that’s what I’m good at. If I ever finish my book, it’ll be similar to this.

Lolita: I haven’t started this yet but it was highly recommended to me by my friend Cheryl. She said it’s “the most beautifully written book. It’s like a poem.” That could be the worst review ever for a book, except that she recommended “The Road” to me (which was awesome) and has read more books than I’ll ever read. She also said she rereads this one every few years, so that’s gotta mean something, considering the only books I’ve reread are Harry Potter books.

TV Shows:
I’m in full TV swing here this fall, and I’m actually keeping up. I tried to get into Mad Men, but don’t seem to have the time. However, I am keeping up with The Office, Project Runway, Grey’s Anatomy, and How I Met Your Mother. Grey’s is still terrible but the rest are just fantastic! Of course, Sunday’s, I’m watching football. Come January, I’ll have much more time. (Even December the way my teams are playing this year).

Hanging w/my DJ:
I’m giving it a shot. Ya know…for real. Personally, I believe there is absolutely a reason that the word “COMMITTED” can mean both in a relationship, and institutionalized. That won’t stop me from trying to be one, without becoming the other! Of course, I can’t speak for my DJ. She’s got no problem with one, though sometimes, like all girls, I think she needs the other.  Anyway, I’ve met most of her friends, I’ve met her parents, I’ve met her grandma, I’ve met one of 4 siblings and, most importantly, they all think I’m Ok. I think.

Planning my Birthday:
I’m not going to post too much about the planning process because I’m likely going to post a ton about it afterwards. However, I’ve booked a house in Puerto Rico, got a flight, invited most of my friends and family and am ready for Shenanigans. If only everyone else would book their flights!

Kiss Me Baby

Boy Question: How do you know when a guy is coming ni for a hug or a kiss?

Chances are, he's coming in for a kiss. I would assume that every guy wants to kiss you if he's going in for anything. He would totally avoidthe area if he didn't want anything, or make it completely obvious. Likely, his head is straight on you vs facing to the side.

Therefore, you should assume that you are in charge...and you need to non verbally tell him what you want. If you go in straight, you get to make out, if you go in with cheek, he'll get it. It's your decision.

I can't believe you're 28.
_

Speed Dials, Clothes and more on Exes

Barbi - What casual clothes can a girl wear and still look sexy?

I’m not going to mention the overalls again, which were discussed here and in the comments, but I’d say there isn’t much like a wife beater. A knee high dress mixed w/a wife beater is casual and sexy as hell. (Any color)

BIL2 - At what point in a relationship should one's significant other get the #1 speed dial position? If they don't have it by the time they are married, who is entitled to be before them?

What if there is a disparity between them, i.e. A has B as #1 but B does not have A as #1, does that say something about the relationship?

The speed dial rules aren’t well established and there are considerable variations and variables that must be taken into account. Of course, my first phone had 99 speed dials and I had over 70 filled in and people would test me on them. My parents were 24 and 27 back then! However, a standard base of rules should apply at all times for new phones.

1. Home (parent’s house) if you’re unmarried, spouse if you’re married. It’s pretty much only for your emergency contact, whoever that may be.
2. Reserved for significant others only. Of course, for me, it’s my parent’s other home number, b/c I have nowhere near needing it for something else.
3. Parent’s Cell
4. Parent’s Cell
5. Best friend
6. Sibling 1 (everyone has to have 1 sibling, those are the rules)
7. Sibling 2 or roommate
8. Friends, siblings, In-Laws
9. Friends, siblings, In-Laws

Things to note: If significant other wants #1, A) explain that it’s the number if something happens to you, and that you spend so much time together, that you’ll probably be together when that happens so you won’t need to be called. Additionally, #2, # 5, and #8 are actually more important, and can be argued as such, because of their place on the phone… in the middle. Argue that 2 is better than 1 or 3. That is also why your best friend is at #5.

As to your disparity question, no love is equal. Someone always like one more than the other likes back (in my experiences at least). The person who likes more will move the other up the speed dial list preemptively, to prove his or her love. However, this is the wrong course. All it does is solidify the person of power in their position of power. It’s showing your cards in the love power game.

Embarrassing Convo:
Terrible With Boys: I met a guy last night and he's in town for 12 more days, while I'm in town for 10. Should I call him today?
Have you ever met a guy before? No, he’ll call/message you.
TWB - I didn’t give him my number, I got his.
WHY? Have you ever met a guy before? I wouldn’t call, I would text. Remember, whatever your instincts are, they are wrong, so do the opposite.

I was dead serious in that last test. This girl is cute, and wants to hook up and strikes out constantly. She has no idea what she’s doing.

Barbi - Back in college, I used to sleep with this guy... let's call him Jared. It was college, he was with other people, I was with other people, and then he was with his girlfriend and let's just say things ended badly and we didn't speak for many years. We reconnected 2 years ago, sent each other wonderfully clever and touching emails catching each other up on our lives, but I was living abroad and he got into a relationship. When we first saw each other again, he was already living with her. For the last 6 months we get together once a month for drinks or lunch and there is some flirtation, and he will complain about his girlfriend's shortcomings and say inappropriately sexually overt things... I find myself feeling all the old feelings I used to have for him, and more... I get stressed out before each meeting, hoping I look perfect, rehearsing my entrance, it’s pretty pathetic... I know he won't cheat on her, then what is he doing? is this an ego boost for him? what am i doing? should i stop seeing him?

My first instinct, of course, is to respond to your crazy talk, and you “rehearsing your entrance” was by far the best example. What are you nuts? Do you think that matters at all? Wow…
Now, onto your questions.

What is he doing? Is this an ego boost? He is being totally inappropriate. Maybe he won’t cheat on her, maybe he will. He probably is already. Do you think his gf knows you two are hanging out once a month? (Answer, no) Do you think she would approve of it (Answer, no). When you have a GF, and you’re supposedly in love, and you’re living with that person, there isn’t any reason to be in contact with an ex, making inappropriate sexually overt comments to her, and flirting with her. Many girls would call those actions cheating on their own. There’s nothing wrong with him complaining about his girlfriend, but there is everything wrong with him doing it to you. This isn't an ego boost, this is him testing the waters, and his GF should know.

What are you doing? Should you stop seeing him? First, you aren’t doing anything wrong socially. BUT that doesn’t mean you aren’t screwing yourself over. You’re not looking at the long term, only the short term. If he does break up w/his gf, or he does cheat w/you, hanging out with him now doesn’t guarantee he’ll ever get together with you. All you are guaranteeing is that you’ll like him more than he likes you, and that you’ll hook up once (or a few times if he’s cheating).

This guy created a very emotional situation for you in college, and thus you’ve got some unsettled issues to work through. He brings up memories and feelings that you haven’t felt in a while, b/c you’re not the same person you were back then. That doesn’t mean these are good or bad feelings, but that connection you have, is based on an emotionally turbulent past.
Are you two friends? No. Are you lovers? No. Is the fact that you two are hanging out, and in this capacity, inappropriate? Yes. Not that you should be telling him this, but he should be respecting his current girlfriend. You’ll never trust him if you ever do end up w/him b/c of what he’s doing to his current girlfriend, making this extremely unhealthy. If you want to hang out with him, she should be in the know, and be around. If not, you shouldn’t be hanging out until she’s gone, or until you’re in a committed relationship (if you trust yourself).

Top 11 List of Why Guys Pay

I was just asked the question “Why do the guys always pay for the dates? That’s not right.”

Well, here are the top 11 reasons why we guys pay for first dates:
(in no particular order)

We make more money: This isn’t always true, and most of us wish it wasn’t true, but for me it usually is true. In the last year, I have not gone on a date with a girl who makes more money than me. I’m almost 100% certain. Many girls work much harder than I do, but their jobs just aren’t as financially rewarding. Why should they be punished by the arbitrariness of the system and/or the possible glass ceiling? The closest I’ve come to dating a girl who makes as much as me has been a 3rd year lawyer, and her salary is posted online, like all lawyers at big firms.

We actually want to: This may be hard to believe, but chivalry isn’t totally dead. Some guys, especially myself, like the idea of treating a girl well, and if that means buying dinner/drinks, so be it. We’ve been raised to put girls on pedestals, why not treat them like queens?

We have all heard THE story: We’re sitting at brunch and one of our female friends starts talking about this bad date she had. The story always ends with "it was so expensive and he made me pay for half, that jerk!"

We asked her out: If I ask a girl out, why shouldn’t I pay for her? Makes sense to me. If the girl asked to buy me a drink, I’d consider letting her, though I probably wouldn’t. I have yet to be asked out on a first date by someone I actually wanted to go out with.

We picked the place: My friend Jessalyn said it best "I do think if the guy picks the place for the first date, he should be prepared to pay." What if it’s a really nice place, or to see a show for $100, how can we expect the girl to pay? We can’t.

Tradition: Tradition dictates that we pay. Who are we to change that tradition now, without agreeing to it prior to going out?

We want to avoid the awkward: The tradition is set in stone, even if both people want to go dutch, it can be awkward getting to that point. She takes out her wallet, he says not thanks, she refuses.

We want her to like us: If a girl insists on paying for herself, this is a signal that she doesn’t like you. The girl doesn’t want to owe you anything, and thus is paying. If she liked you, she wouldn’t mind being treated.

We like to show off: Self explanatory.

We want to hook up: This may be misguided, but most guys do assume that have a better shot at getting some action if we pay. Girls will say “I hate feeling like I owe the guy something” when he pays, but of course, she does feel that way…and sometimes, she’ll even give in.

We want to eat off the girl’s plate: The way I see it, if I know that I’m paying, and she knows that I’m paying, technically, she is eating my food. I’m allowing her to eat my food. Since that is the case, I can just reach over to her plate and take whatever I want.

More on Long Distance, Nakedness, and Crazy Sandy Eggo

"I broke up w/my boyfriend because I went long distance and now I'm coming home for the holidays. Should I see him? "

This totally depends on if you see yourself with him long term.

A) If you do see him as a possible guy of your dreams, then see him, reignite the sparks, go for it. By now, you've been apart long enough to know the answer to the big questions about him. As you know, long distance will tell you what you need to know (whether you should be together or not).

B) If you do not see yourself with him, then do not talk to him, do not message him, do not meet up with him. You have just spent the last 5 months getting over him, with the idea in your head that this is the right decision. Seeing him will only set you back months... and it will only solve your short term loneliness issues. When you go back to your new "home" you'll be thinking about him again, as if you just left for the first time a week earlier.

(Update, I got a message from her - "I had sex w/him last night" followed by another email "I already want him to call or text though, that's bad") - She should have listened.

(Update, to the Update - When I asked if I could post this she said she couldn't talk b/c she was at his apt)

"What types of girls send naked pictures? "

All types of girls do. Read this article that my friend randomly sent to a few weeks ago. 11% of 13-16 year old girls, 36% of adult girls! It's amazing. Don't be shy, just ask. And if you do it...don't worry, everyone does. The best line from this "advice column" is "Make sure you are clear with your teen about what you consider appropriate “electronic” behavior." Too funny.

(Update, she did not spend me pictures)

"How do you tell someone that you are on a date with that they have something in their teeth? "

I ask them: "Are we friends yet?" If they say "Yes" then you tell them, if they say "no" then its probably not a good date anyway so you can then decide to say something like "oh, well if we were friends I would tell you that you have something in your teeth" Or you can just not tell them, as long as you can stand looking at him/her w/it for the next 20 min/hour.

(Update, she laughed her ass off at this response)

Back for another bout of CRAZY is "Sandy Eggo"

"If you were dating someone and she basically threw a temper tantrum, whined, called and texted a few times until she got her way, would you stay with them?"

I would, but I would need some space. We all know most girls have a little crazy in them... but its the amount of crazy a guy can put up w/that can make or break a relationship. Someone like me can deal w/lotsa crazy before pushed away b/c we've been dealing with it our whole lives. Many guys can't put up with much, so you may be treading on thin ice.

(Update - She's still w/him... and she's still nuts)

Have you ever paid for sex?

Every day... every date... but never directly paying... its all indirect... and sometimes, even though I've paid for it... I don't want it anymore. Tell me if that makes sense. I do have a freind who paid for head from a hooker in Montreal... then after she did coke lines she passed out and he took his money back and left. I'm not sure, since he got his money back, if it actually counts as paying.

Good Decisions

I got this advice from a friend:

"be careful with the choices you make but don't look back and wonder what if with every decision you make its better to give something a shot then to give up on it without ever knowing. Don't worry about what other people think about you and how you look and all that just be yourself and do what makes you happy. Sorry for the language - but when it comes down to it, who gives a fuck what others have to say 'cause if you do what you want and believe in then you'll be happy regardless"

1) Is this sound advice? What about when what makes you happy is not accepted by your family, or not socially acceptable?
2) What if your decisions "hurt" other people?
3) How do you know if the things that make you happy in the moment are the things that will make you happy in the long run?
4) Is this just the advice people tell themselves so that they can make risky choices without regard for consequences?


1) The first half of the above statement is good advice. Don’t look back and wonder what if, unless it’ll help you avoid making the same mistake twice. It is definitely better to give something a shot than to give up on it w/o ever knowing. However, that does not mean you should doubt your instincts and give something/someone a shot when your instincts tell you not to.

The second piece of the advice is just "pie in the sky, how the world should be" crap. It sounds nice to say, but it isn’t practical at all. You aren’t going to be happy if other people don’t agree with your decisions and thus there’s an inherent contradiction in the statement about doing what you want w/o worry about what other people think. We are trying to build a society here, and we all can’t be anarchists who do whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us respect our friends, respect our parents, respect our peers…and thus, if we don’t have approval from those people, we will not fully enjoy that which “makes us happy.” It would take a very strong character to make decisions that don’t make other people happy. I’m not that strong.

I DO give a fuck about what others have to say, to a fault. I care what people I don’t know have to say, I care about what people who I do like have to say, and I care way too much about what people who don’t like me have to say. Unfortunately, I rarely care about what those who do like me have to say. Do you know why? Because they care about me, so they will support my good and bad decisions, so I don’t really need their acceptance and I likely take them for granted. That being said, the people who care about me are the ONLY people whose opinions I should actually care about, and IF they will support me if I make good or bad decisions, THEN technically, I should be able to almost anything I want, and still maintain the support of those whose opinions I care about. DID YOU FOLLOW THAT? I pretty much changed my stance on the second half....but my personality isn't there yet, even though I realize it.

2) Of course some decisions you make will hurt people. Knowing you, you have put their feelings ahead of yours as much as possible, and if you are making a decision to hurt someone, then it is a last resort decision. We all hurt people over our lives. Whether it’s an undeserved snotty comment here, or a huge decision there, we all have to do it at some point, and it can be the hardest decision you ever make. Just because you make a decision that hurts someone, that doesn’t mean you are being selfish, it likely means you are thinking about your next question, the long term.

3) Long term decisions are much bigger than short term decisions. Most short term decisions are exactly that, decisions that are easy and do make you happy in the short term. Eventually, you’ll start see that the short term decisions you are making are no longer making you happy, and a bigger, longer term decision needs to be made. There are no right or wrong decisions, just things you do and things you don’t do, however, hindsight is 20/20, so you’ll think you made a mistake. What’s most important is that you write down why you made a decision to remember what you were thinking at that time, so you can realize that even though it didn’t work out how you thought it would, at the time, it was the right decision. Most of us do think about the long term decisions, and if they will make us happier before doing them. Short term decisions do not need that much thought, and thus their utility isn’t as useful in driving your life one direction or another. If you are making a long term decision, that will hurt someone, I trust that you’re only making it because it’s a last resort, and it has been well thought out, for the sake of the rest of your life, sacraficign your short term happiness.

4) This is the advice we have to tell ourselves. This type of advice can inspire us to take risks, to believe in the optimistic. It’s a positive view of how the world should be, and how easy the world would be... but life isn’t that easy, and neither are decisions.

Silly Q's

Do people still say break a leg?

I feel soooo weird saying that kinda thing. Though I haven't had to say that term to anyone in quite a few months, I believe the last time I was supposed to say it, I chickened out and said "break one" instead. But yes, I do believe the term is still used.

Do you ever pee sitting bec you are feeling lazy?

Absolutely not. Standing is lazy. Do you know how hard it is to sit down and stand up? I'd rather just stand the whole time.

Can you explain to me what is happening in that Derek Jeter commercial for Gatorade w/the grass growing?

I'm pretty sure that the grass growing wherever Jeter walks is a reference to his STD's and how he spreads them wherever he goes. I can't verify this.

Why can't girls show their nipples on TV but guys can?

The real question is, why can girls show their 3rd nipple, but not their second nipple on TV. TMZ always "shows" celebrity nudity, while blurring out the privates, including female 2nd nipples. However, w/3rd nipples, they have no problem showing it. The evidence was HERE but the media was removed, interestingly.

What situations call for red wine, and what situations call for white?

HERE is a very simple wine pairing guide. My rules differ, obviously, here they are.

If I'm getting drunk that night, and may switch from wine, I'm drinking WHITE
If I'm wearing a white shirt, and may be pretty drunk, I'm drinking WHITE
If I'm just having one glass w/no food, I'm having whatever I like the best
If I'm having red meat, I'll usually get RED
If I'm having chicken, I'll usually get WHITE
If I'm having a drink after dinner, I'll usually get sweet WHITE
If I'm getting a bottle w/a date I don't know I'm usually getting WHITE, b/c its safer
If I'm getting a bottle w/a date that I know, I'm getting whatever she wants
If I'm getting a bottle w/a date who I don't like, I'm getting whatever I want
If I'm bringing a bottle w/me to a party, I'm bringing COLD WHITE, it shows that you brought it from home and not from a store
If I'm bringing a bottle w/me to a party where I don't know the people, I'm taking whatever is on my shelf that someone gave to me 8 months ago.

Hope that helps.

Do you French kiss in public?

Not French, unless really drunk. More likely church tongue.

Do you think it is merely coincidence or is there some nefarious purpose behind the following happenstance?

As background, on the Boy Meets World which I have gotten into watching again between the hours of 8 and 9 on ABC family channel, the two title characters are Cory (Ben Savage) and Topanga (Danielle Fishel). After about 5 or 6 seasons they all go to college, including Eric, Cory’s older brother. His roommate in college (Pennbrook) is a guy named Jack who is also Sean (Cory;s best friend played by Rider Strong)’s half brother. Anyway, here is the interesting part. Cory’s last name is Matthews and Topanga’s last name is Lawrence on the show. Jack is played by Mathew Lawrence (joey Lawrence of Blossom fame’s brother.) So his real name is made by Cory and Topanga’s last name. JUST A COINCIDENCE??????

Yea, these are my readers...