The Age Old Question

I've never been able to answer this question, and have learned that the "no" reflex is highly effective at answering it, so I've handed it over to my trusty NEW sidekick Suzanne.

soo...Ben i'm eating this ice cream sandwich reading your new blog and felt the need to contribute...this is the best i could come up with...anyways... Ben, Do you think i am fat? ;-)
(Just Say No)

Dear Reader,

There are two answers to your questions - a long answer, and a short one. Discussing at length, I'll first point out that your question is one of the "Eternal Questions". These questions plagued humanity since it became self-aware, and it ranks right up there with "What is the meaning of life?" and "Is there a God?" The question "Do you think I'm fat?" has so many sociological and psychological connotations, and we could spend all day deconstructing the linguistic aspects of your query as well as the surrounding circumstances involved. For instance, you feel compelled to mention that you are eating an ice cream sandwich. The act of eating an indulgent treat has inevitably triggered a guilt mechanism within your subconscious cortex, which has manifested itself in an outward expression of vulnerability. You want validation for your indulgence; you want to know that it is OK to eat ice cream sandwiches. Which of course it is, even though you are very, very fat. So fat, that you can't even see your legs when you walk - it's just like you are gliding across the floor. You're so fat, that after sex you smoke a ham. You gotta make two trips to "haul ass". Your cereal bowl has a lifeguard, you so fat. You sat on four quarters and farted out a dollar. When you walk past a TV, people miss like...three commercials. You bleed milkshakes. You've' been declared a natural habitat for eagles and condors. (Please insert any other "Yo Mama's So Fat" jokes here) So very fat.

In short, Reader, the answer to your question is "Yes." So put down the sandwich, which you are inevitably gripping with your thick, sausagey fingers. Wipe those crumbs from you fat maw. Go run a lap or two, resting assured in the fact that indeed, you are fat. So fat, you look like a pool table when you wear a green dress.